Ruth's First Trip to the Dentist

So it was back to the dentist today...  finally got around to my exam and cleaning after finishing the root canal and crown process...got really sucky news that I have 6 more cavities.  Seriously people!?  I don't know what to do really...I brush, I floss and he said it looks like I don't do either("people that floss don't get cavities like this"), grrrr....  So you guessed it more trips to the dentist in my near future.  Thank God for Care Credit.  And a dentist that doesn't seem to be gouging me like the last one.  The last dentist I went to charged like $300 for a couple cavities and this one is estimating $140 for two.  Same insurance...I don't even know what to think about that one?

On a good note, Ruth was hesitant at first, but then did amazing!  She let him look at her teeth and clean them and put fluoride on them.  She rocked! :)  Yeah, proud mommy moment! Here are some after pics I snapped real quick with my phone: 

Storm clouds

I feel like my head has been stuck in a storm cloud for a few weeks now...  I just haven't been feeling well, I think it's just a culmination of different things.  Mostly stress related to not having money.  It really really really sucks to be broke.  Whoever said money doesn't solve problems, clearly didn't have problems that cost money, lol!  The lose of my job has really hit hard, it was nice to have enough to got out to eat friday night and put gas in the van and go out to eat with a friend every now and then.  I did finally get another job, and it helps, but I'm only making about half what I made before.  My husband just finished a 2 week lay off so things were really tight for that.  I just had to get a new credit card just for medical expenses for a root canal and crown.  I'm finished with the root canal part, but still have to get the crown done.  The whole process will cost  $1412, if we get it paid off in the promotional period where there is no interest.  Talk about stress....  And that's with really good dental insurance!!!  I'm super stressed about getting that first bill!  But it needed to be done, I was in so much pain I couldn't sleep and had to eat ibuprofen like candy.

So then on top of all that, I have been off birth control for about 15 months now and still no baby....  I try really hard not to think about it, but every month I seem to get my hopes up and it doesn't help that everyone we run into asks if we are going to have another one.  It just makes me depressed to think about it...There are like 6, 7, and 8 years between siblings in my family and my husbands.  We had talked about that and said we really don't want that, but at this point it's looking more and more like what is going to happen, if I'm able to get pregnant again.  I know there is no way we could ever afford fertility treatments of any kind, or even afford an adoption.  So who knows what the future holds...

Naughty pictures

Ok, so before you get too excited, they aren't really nude or nearly nude photos... 

I was getting ready for bed one night after I showered and my husbands yells for me, that I have to come see this.  We put wax paper over the window in the bathroom so we don't have to have curtains and because we just don't have money for that sticky frost film.  But anyway he tells me to look a the subjective picture the steam has made in the wax paper.  So take a look, see for you're self.  Here is a photo of the picture in the wax paper after one of my showers: 

Hehe, totally a cock and balls...tell me you see it!?  So then my husband tells me that this is hilarious because after his showers the wax paper has boobs on it.  I looked at him, like what???  So, finally after a couple of nights I'm able to look at the window and take a photo after he took a shower:

There they are... two boobs, complete with nipples!

That's soooo weird! 

Don't take it personally...

We don't think you can do a job you've already been doing, but don't take it personally...  This is essentially the message that was in an email I finally received after almost 2 months of silence.  I interviewed for a nanny position in the beginning of September and it went great, they seemed real excited and all go.  I get an email yesterday finally that after talking to their parents and other people that they want someone w/o kids to make sure their child  gets all the attention it needs.  Excuse my language, but wtf!?  Do they think just bc my kid is with me I'm going strap theirs in a chair or something?  Really? Please... This is so insulting!  Hello I took care of my daughter and another child for a year and a half just fine (both infants, talk about work) and that was FAR from what happened.  Well I say good luck to them... their loss.  They well be hard pressed to find someone as good as me, experience, knowledge, and know-how.

I'm just super irritated also, bc she said they've been flip flopping and mulling it over for awhile now, but never bothered to ASK ME about it!?  I'm the expert here, this it their first child. I don't know what kind of experience they have with kids, but obviously not much if they don't think I'm capable of  paying attention to more than one child at a time?  Maybe I bit the bullet here, if they are that stupid, I don't want to work for them, ha!

Oh well, jokes on them bc I already have another job with a family that has 3 kids, lol!  Most of the time I just have one bc the others are in school full time, but still.  They are very happy to have me and my daughter and were ecstatic at the news that I won't be leaving in February. :)

CSI and Johnny Depp

Last night's dreams did not disappoint...
The first one I remember was a sort of scene from CSI, a woman had been killed when the ceiling over her bed  flooded and collapsed on her face.  Creepy right, it turned out someone had weakened the ceiling at the head of the bed and set the pipes up to leak right there, so it was a murder.  Her young daughter was taken away by ambulance for shock, I remember commenting to the girls cousins about taking care of her little hands for the iv's and they said she preferred them in her elbow. The strange conversations we have in dreams.

This dream is a little freaky for me because I had a ceiling collapse on me from a leak, that's why I moved out of my parent's house.  Fortunately it fell on my leg, so I wasn't killed... but then maybe I was in a way?  A whole lot changed when I was  forced to move out.  I had to sort of grow up and quickly realized where I fell in my parent's priorities... (The ceiling was not fixed for years, after 3 months of keeping my living situation temporary I realized I wasn't going back home)

So the next dream there was a plane crash, and yes I remember seeing lots of blood and gore.  Part of the plane was a fire ball, and then part was just a mass tangle of bodies, some dead, some alive.  I remember one guys hand was cut off and he was like "psst, it's just a hand".  Another lady had to fight her way from the bottom of the pile and ended up flinging a dead man's body off her and someone was like "you just flung a body!"  and she said "I do what I have too" and applause broke out, craziness...  I guess I was on the plane?  I wasn't hurt at all, mind you I have never flown.  So all the survivors were moved into this big warehouse and while we were waiting for treatment and rescue, Johnny Depp came to entertain us, lol!  I remember him showing us some weird see through mask he used to film pirates to protect him face in battle scenes?...

Sorry, couldn't resist, lol!

Hey I warned you last post I've been having some crazy whacked out dreams...

Dreams

Ok, I've been having so pretty whacked out dreams, my husband suggested journaling them, so I'm going to blog them, haha!  Some of them are pretty disturbing...

Three nights ago I don't even remember what I dreamed , but I remember them being very bad and waking up exhausted and very disturbed.

Two nights ago I dreamed that the older lady w/ short hair for Glee, was yelling at everyone in this big room, and I remember being really confused.  And then I had two more dreams about leaving stuff I wanted at my parents' old house.  In the first one it was my art work, and then in the second one it was clothes for my dolls, my daughter, and me.  Both of these gave me a very unsettled feeling.

So last night I have a weird apocalyptic dream.  I don't know what was going on, but  I was w/ a group of people and we backed as much clothes and food as we could in 2 backpacks(for me and my husband to carry)  I remember vividly packing one change of clothes for my husband, myself, and my daughter, and then shoving sandwiches in on top, lol. Then we remembered we needed stuff for the baby on the way(I was pregnant in the dream) so I grabbed a baby blanket and two baby outfits and put them in a plastic bag.  Just before I woke up we were discussing raiding a hospital on the way out of town for all the supplies we would need for the birth, for my husband to do a c-section, because we knew that's how the baby needed to be born... Scary stuff...

Remembering 9/11/01

I know this is a little late, but better late that never right?  I'm a big dork about hearing people's 9/11 stories, I can't get enough, so here it mine:

I have just started college, I was sitting in my english and speech block, I took the two classes back to back with the same professor and students, it was nice.  Anyway, we had just finished the english half and were taking a short break before speech class started.  I remember on of the girls that tended to be a drama queen started freaking out saying her mom just called her and said an airplane had just crashed into the world trade center.  I wasn't really sure what to believe, I just remember thinking she was a flake and it had to be a mistake...
After speech class was over I rushed to the Baptist Student Union to see if I could find anything out.  As soon as I walked in my heart sank because the t.v. was in the main room on and people were sitting on the couch watching... this never happened.  The BSU was for personal interaction, not to sit and watch t.v. so I knew something bad had happened.  I walked behind the couch and started watching too.  I remember going numb, slowly dropping my backpack to the floor not wanting to take my eyes off the t.v. for a second. And just watched... my mind was blank...I didn't know what to think or do!?  I don't know how long I stood there? I was awhile, maybe an hour...just watching the news. After watching the loop twice through, I had had enough.  It was sinking in this was horrible and really happening.  I decided to go home.  I don't remember if I had any other classes that day or not? I probably did, but at that point they weren't important.  As I pulled in my drive way my cell rang, it was my boss telling me I didn't have to come into work that night because the mall was closing. That really freaked me out, I still wasn't sure what was going on, or how this all affected me.

I got out of my car and saw my neighbor working in her yard so I went to talk to her.  She had watched the news too and decided it was too much so she came out to work in her yard.  We talked briefly about what a horrible thing it was and I went into my house.  Really I couldn't wait to turn my t.v. on hoping maybe it was some cruel joke and it would be over.  But it wasn't, there it was the same footage over and over again, this time bigger on my t.v. that the tiny t.v. at the BSU.  I remember sitting on the ottoman to be closer to the t.v. just watching.  Eyes wide, body numb, not knowing what to think or do... here I was fresh out of high school in the "real" world and something terrible like this happens.

I don't remember how soon after I saw my boy friend at the time, but I remember him totally freaking out and talking crazy about packing a bag and running away... There was no way I was going to do that?  I had just started college, I wasn't going anywhere!?  We spent a lot of time visiting his parents all of the sudden too... One day we were at their house and his four year old son was with us.  We were watching new coverage and they showed a traffic light that was leaning over and dust was all around it.  He  pointed to the screen and said "daddy a traffic light!"  I almost cried, at his innocence, I wanted mine back, he had no idea what horrible things had just happened.  I was just barely an "adult", just 18, my brain was not read to process such evil, and I'm not sure it is even now, 10 years later...

Feel free to share your stories...

Girls Just DO NOT Want to have fun...

Since I'm on a roll with getting out painful memories I might as well throw this one out there too...
I think it's a well known fact among those who know me that I don't like the song "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", but I think the only person that really knows why is my husband. Until now he is the only person I have told this too...

Scene: My Sophomore year of high school, in the hallway between classes.

 I was in my locker switching out books minding my own business when a guy came up behind me and starts dancing and singing "that song", and then went into a bump and grind motion bumping into me so hard that i fell into my locker.  The motion was strong enough that not only did I have trouble sitting the rest of the day, I could tell he had a boner... I feared he and his friends would try something me later.    I really had no idea what he was thinking.  This guy always had about 4 other guys with him all the time.  This same group harassed me relentlessly years earlier in 8th grade shop class!  I don't think they ever touched me then, but they "got close" many times and were rather suggestive. I really lived in fear for a long time after, always looking over my shoulder, never knowing if the situation would progress anymore.

In hindsight, I probably should have told someone, but I thought what would they do, really? He didn't really "hurt" me, I felt like I'd get laughed out or something or worse he and his buddies would have really done something. So I just kept my mouth shut about it.  Looking back that incident could have got him in some serous trouble, it totally fits the description of sexual assault.  Even now 12 years later I get physically ill when I hear that song...

I was waiting for the day that I'd have to see him again, and it finally happened.  One day on facebook, gotta love facebook...there's his name and picture in my suggested friends.... I almost threw up, seriously.  It took a couple days for me to be able to even look at his profile.  From the posts I could see it looked like he did some time in prison.  I'm not sure how to feel about that, I guess it's good he was punished for something?  Makes me wonder if he would have done anything more if he'd had the chance?  Thank God I never found out.  I could also tell he has a daughter that is the same age as my daughter.  Every now and then he still pops up as a suggested friend, along with his little cronies.  I have not friend-ed any of them and I don't think I ever will.

Healing...

Ok so here it is the big ugly painful post I've been procrastinating writing something awful, but I know it's something I need to put out there so I can heal....

First let me say I love my parents (and sister) because they are my parents...they worked hard to supply all my physical needs and then some growing up.  I know there are people that had it way worse and I in no way am saying I had it worse than everyone...

That said, I was a huge "surprise" to my family so to speak.  I have one sister who is about 7 years older than me. Several times growing up I was reminded that fertility treatments were used to conceive her. They had decided they weren't going to have anymore kids and planned as such, then oops there I was.  Instead of being referred to a blessing and a wonderful surprise I was referred to as an accident that ruined the way they were living.  My sister was very bitter to have to share my parents, and well my mom was going to college again, which she had to stop and she had to give up her "art studio" so I could have a bedroom...  My dad, well I remember him telling me a few times mom could have had an abortion.  He never had the balls to stick up for me and was beat down as well.

All those things really could have been jokes (not that they'd be funny), but paired with things I dealt with every day growing up, they were hard to ignore.  I lost count of how many times I was told I should have been left at kmart before I knew my name and address.  I was verbally and emotionally abused everyday.  I didn't get cute nicknames growing up, my nick names were "dip shit", and "shit face"... constantly being told I was ugly, fat, stupid, lazy , selfish, unwanted.... and so on.  There was no room for mistakes, anything wrong was automatically generalized to "that's just how I was"  Anything "good" was mostly ignored, and if it was recognized I was then shot down again at the end of the same breath.

I remember bringing home a report card on time that was all A's and one B, the first word out of my mom's mouth was why is this a B?  When dad got home that was his first comment too.  Now they said they were joking, but the damage was already done, and I remember shortly after being called stupid for no reason... 

I was never aloud to be excited about anything that was important to me, if I had the nerve to mention something was important to me I was dubbed selfish.  I was selfish because I should have known my sister always came first and of course my mom.

I didn't have my first birthday party until I was 21!  No parties for me...when this is brought up they say we just aren't big birthday people.  Which I guess is true, the only thing I remember being done for my sister was a banner on our front porch on her 16th birthday, which she hated, I was not given the same pleasure.  We'd get to pick a restaurant to eat at that weekend with the family, that was the birthday celebration.  Most the time it was where we were planning on eating anyway.  And dessert wasn't even ordered, lol!

I remember one scary afternoon when I was young, maybe 6 or 8? I'm not sure...I went out to ride my bike and as I was riding my tire popped because my dad had over-inflated it. I, of course, cried because I wanted to ride my bike with my friends and it probably scared me...Well my mom came flying out of the house yelling and screaming at me saying I was throwing a fit for no reason being ridiculous, and I of course cry harder.  Long story short, she makes me go in, grounds me, sends me to my room, but not before she yells and screams at me some more and threw me on the steps.  I'll never forget seeing her all read-faced veins popping... See I never know which mom I would be dealing with.  She had two very different personalities.  Out in public she was nice as nice can be...but at home behind closed doors I just never knew if the nasty side would come out and how bad it would be...

Then you add school into the mix... kids are cruel, very cruel.  I was rejected, laughed at, made fun of, and even sexually assaulted (that's another story maybe a later blog).  So at school I was told I was fat and ugly and not worth anything by my peers...

Last summer I broke my ankle and it all came back :/  It was bad enough that I spent a week in the hospital and couldn't walk for 3 months.  I ended up going to stay with my parents after I left the hospital because they had fewer steps to get into their place, and no steps once in.  Well, it only took 3 days for me to be just as depressed as I was before I moved out before.  Once again being told to get off my fat, lazy ass and do something for once.... Mind you I was ordered not to walk and keep my ankles elevated, I tried to scoot around in a computer chair, but was very limited as to what I could do :(  That was an eye opening experience, I think it really helped me realize exactly where I had come from and why I felt the way I did...It initiated my healing process by showing me how ridiculous the things that were said to me were.

Well...I guess that about covers it.  For the first 19 years of my life I was made to believe I was ugly, fat, stupid, selfish, lazy, no good for nothing by those closest to me.

9 years after meeting my incredibly awesome husband, who is trying to erase these horrible words from my head, I think I'm about half way healed... "they" say it takes twice as long to unlearn something as it does to learn it, so that's about right? I don't know?  But I guess I'm getting there...

10 Year High School Reunion...

So my ten year high school reunion was this past weekend.  Crazy to think it's been 10 years.... I didn't want to go at first, but I'm glad I went!  I really did have a great time.  The unlimited wine wasn't even the best part, lol!  (Although I ended up w/ 5 glasses ;)) Seeing my buddy Josh made it so worth it!  And was surprised by how nice some people were, haha!  People that never really talked to me in high school were all too eager to find out about my husband and my baby and so on.  Who knew???   Just glad I was in a great position in my life, not that I'm one to brag, but I it was great showing of my awesome, sexy husband :))))

Here are some pics from the game:  which Lloyd beat the snot out of Dayton, yeah! LOL!

Me and the hubby

My friend Wendy and her daughter

Cheerleaders, my daughter was enthralled by, still not sure how I feel about that one...

My daughter and Wend'y daughter Best Buds <3

And here are pictures from the dinner... Yes I only took two, oops, oh well :p

Me and Josh

My husband Wally, me, Josh and his wife beautiful Lauren

Music Theropy

So I know I'm horrible about posting on here...so here's what's up now.  I've always been a big music person, music is my life.  When words aren't there, I can usually find a song to express how I'm feeling...

So here are some songs that really speak to me and are really helping me sort through things now...
The first song: For You by Staind

http://youtu.be/xblxEmIh7v0

"I sit here locked inside my head, remembering everything you've said"  "All your insults and curses, make me feel like I'm not a person"  This song has so many good lines...

I discovered a new favorite called Breakdown by Seether,

http://youtu.be/IXVNiYxRv8U

"break me down if it makes you feel right" "I"m so much more than all your lies"  This song's lyrics are so beautiful to me now.  It's like "For You" was while I was in the mess and now "Breakdown" is how I feel now about halfway through the healing process.

Ok, so there's one more song, bc I like to do things in three's lol...
Eminem "Cleaning out my Closet"

http://youtu.be/4zmBgEwFcWM

Ok so things weren't nearly as bad for me as they were for him, but none the less, his music really speaks to me.  I absolutely love this line from this song... "my whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't,  'til I grew up, now I blew up, it makes you sick to your stomach doesn't"

How do you forget?

Well here goes, my first blog ever...  I figure I'll write about what's weighing on my mind.

 I woke up this morning thinking about the sweet little baby that I miscarried almost 2 years ago.  In about a month, May 25th, will be the two year mark and I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  It's kind of strange for me because it's also my dad's birthday, rather strange coincidence...  I know I won't ever forget, and I'm not sure I want to, but I wonder when the feelings of guilt and what if will go away.  I'm amazed at the feeling I have for this little life that I didn't even know was there until it was gone.  Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't done things I did then if the baby would have made it? (I refinished a floor in that time and was sore so I took lots of ibuprofen)  if she had then I wouldn't have my precious Ruth, which is crazy to think?  A different person would have been given that name... It doesn't help that I have a nephew that was born very close to when I would have been due, so every time I see him I think about the baby I lost. And then there's my friend that lost her baby when he was just 2 months old, also born at that time.  I feel selfish and stupid for missing this baby at just 7 weeks gestation.  Plus the guilty feeling I have for just throwing it away.  At the time I had no idea really what it was...but after finding out I miscarried and seeing pictures I know I actually saw the fetus, crazy I know.  A doctor tried to tell me that was impossible because it would be too small, but everywhere I read at that point it would have been half an inch long.  Whenever I see early pictures of developing fetuses I think about it and want to cry.  I'm not sure what I would have done with it if I would have kept it anyway?  To help deal with it I named he Hope.  Because she gave me hope that we could in fact conceive.  I 'm confident it was a girl, because I had a vision from God where He told me I'd conceive a girl first.  Looking back I think God was preparing me for the miscarriage, because the word was "conceive" not have.

I don't think this bothered me this much last year?  I guess I was really busy with Ruth then.  But this year she is older and as we are trying for another baby as each month brings disappointment I'm reminded of this all over again. :(