Well here goes, my first blog ever... I figure I'll write about what's weighing on my mind.
I woke up this morning thinking about the sweet little baby that I miscarried almost 2 years ago. In about a month, May 25th, will be the two year mark and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. It's kind of strange for me because it's also my dad's birthday, rather strange coincidence... I know I won't ever forget, and I'm not sure I want to, but I wonder when the feelings of guilt and what if will go away. I'm amazed at the feeling I have for this little life that I didn't even know was there until it was gone. Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't done things I did then if the baby would have made it? (I refinished a floor in that time and was sore so I took lots of ibuprofen) if she had then I wouldn't have my precious Ruth, which is crazy to think? A different person would have been given that name... It doesn't help that I have a nephew that was born very close to when I would have been due, so every time I see him I think about the baby I lost. And then there's my friend that lost her baby when he was just 2 months old, also born at that time. I feel selfish and stupid for missing this baby at just 7 weeks gestation. Plus the guilty feeling I have for just throwing it away. At the time I had no idea really what it was...but after finding out I miscarried and seeing pictures I know I actually saw the fetus, crazy I know. A doctor tried to tell me that was impossible because it would be too small, but everywhere I read at that point it would have been half an inch long. Whenever I see early pictures of developing fetuses I think about it and want to cry. I'm not sure what I would have done with it if I would have kept it anyway? To help deal with it I named he Hope. Because she gave me hope that we could in fact conceive. I 'm confident it was a girl, because I had a vision from God where He told me I'd conceive a girl first. Looking back I think God was preparing me for the miscarriage, because the word was "conceive" not have.
I don't think this bothered me this much last year? I guess I was really busy with Ruth then. But this year she is older and as we are trying for another baby as each month brings disappointment I'm reminded of this all over again. :(
I love that you are writing down these feelings and sharing with others what you feel.
ReplyDeleteI have a song that I want you to listen to. I know that it will bless your heart.
http://youtu.be/FlDUkp1Ts8A
Thanks! That is a good song :) little slow for me, lol, but good! I do like Selah. I didn't realize they had a song about it. My favorite song that speaks to me is Flyleaf's Sorrow. Do you know that one? "Sorrow comes through this night, I will take this piece of you and hope for all eternity. For just one second I felt whole as you flew right through me..." I don't know what this was written about, and I wasn't a fan of it when I first heard it. I almost deleted for my mp3 player on my phone. But one day i was listening while I was taking a shower and that song came on, this was after the miscarriage, and when I heard it I started crying like a baby! :)
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. Sometimes you can read something or listen to something and it can mean one thing and the next time you read or listen to it; it can mean something completely different!
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful that we know a God of understanding and peace and that He helps us through the things in life that we sometimes just don't understand. I love you and I am always here and praying for you!