The time has come...

Well, the time has come...It's time to conceive a baby that would be born next summer. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm a whole slew of feelings. See my husband wants a cancerous monkey, lol! Just some humor for you. To explain, my husband's birthday is in July and he is a Cancer. Our oldest daughter is also a Cancer. And next year is the year of the Monkey in Chinese astrology, my husband is also a Monkey.

On a side note I'm an Aquarius and a Boar, just in case you were wondering. Our second daughter is an Aquarius like me, although she was born in January and not February like me. I believe she is a Bull, but don't quote me.

Anyway, it is his dream to have a son that is a Cancer and a Monkey, so no pressure there, right!? Ha! He would also be named after him, so I'd have to give up my dream of having an Isaiah, if it happens. Which don't get me wrong, it's fine, I love my husband so I'm totally fine with that. Okay, mostly okay.

Now the fear part... I'm so scared. Scared mostly of the unknown. It's something I have very little control over, and I'm a control freak. Surprise right!?  I'm scared that my period will come next cycle, and the next, and the next, and the next... Well you get the idea. It took a little over 2 years of trying to get my second daughter. Not that it would be terrible if I didn't get pregnant right away, but then I'll feel like I let my husband down. The disappointment of not conceiving month after month is really difficult. I'm scared of miscarriage. My heart still hurts from our first lose. Will it be a boy or girl?  If it's a girl, great we have plenty of hand me downs.  We get to embrace bows and tutus all over again. On the other hand if it's a girl, then that means no boy for me. I would never know what it was like to have a son, I would not give my husband his son, that would make me sadder than anything.  What if it is a boy! I would need to get clothes, mostly later in life, I have plenty of neutral baby clothes. No bows or tutus to fall back on.  I'd have to really step up my boutique/sewing game. I'm scared because it will be the end. The end of having children. The last pregnancy. The last ultrasound, the last gender reveal, the last birth, the last first time meeting baby, the last first latch on, the last breastfeeding experience, the last smell of my newborns head, the last one month birthday, the last of all the baby milestones, the last first birthday, the last everything baby related!  I'm scared for my health. The amount of pain I've been in has been no joke, I haven't lost weight, and my diabetes is slipping. Pregnancy is so rough on the body, another one will definitely take it's toll. I'm scared of insulin, which I know I'll need through pregnancy. The needles, the cost, the anxiety of dealing with insurance and doctors....

So this is something I have to give to God, in a big way.  He has a plan.  He already knows when our third child will come.  He knows when he/she will be conceived. He knows the gender.  He knows ever detail of the pregnancy and the birth. He knows every moment before it ever happens.  He is in control, He's got this.  I just need to breath.  Take in every day, minute, second and breath.  Just breath.