My story

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, so here is my story... My husband and I wanted children so bad, we had put off trying just to get ourselves a little more established. We were so afraid we wouldn't be able to have children because we both have health issues that made things questionable. After over a year of trying my family doctor decided to run some tests, also a full workup for my 25th birthday. Long story short, I found out I was diabetic. I immediately started metformin. With in 3 months i was pregnant, only I didn't know it. I had a period, so I thought it was yet another month of disappointment. We were working on our house so as soon as my period stopped I refinished our dining room floor. I started be extremely sore and crampy. I thought I really over exerted myself. I loaded up on ibuprofen for pain. About 2 weeks later I spot and bleed again. I didn't think anything of it bc I have a history of really bad unpredictable periods, so I just thought I was dealing with all that again. One time when I wiped there was this little white blob that came out and I thought ok that's really weird. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled in the next few days so I mentioned this extra bleeding to him and he asked if I was pregnant? I said i don't think so bc I had my period, but it was possible. So he ordered hcg tests. First one to see if it was in my blood and how much. The next day I got a call saying it was positive and to go have another one to see if the numbers went up or if went down. My doctor called me himself to tell me that the numbers went down, that I had miscarried. I was devastated but also ecstatic. We could conceive! "Things" worked! During the long period of trying I had several lengthy prayer sessions asking for God to give me something, anything. I am a Christian and I believe God talks to us if we'd only listen. Well, He told me I would conceive a girl first. I took this to mean I'd have a girl first...but after the miscarriage i realized that's not what He meant. He was preparing me for the early loss, letting me know the baby was a girl. We called her Hope bc she gave us hope that we would have other children! Immediately, guilt set in...had I known I was pregnant i would not have refinished the floor and exposed myself to all those chemicals or took so much ibuprofen. I'll never know if she would have lived if I'd done things different. And the guilt of throwing her body away still eats at me bc I just didn't know then. Sorry this was so long, but that is the story of my Hope.